Motherhood

Since the inception of our blog, we (I, mostly) have used it to update our friends and family regarding what is going on in our lives and all of the wonderful experiences we are having with Carter. There is certainly nothing wrong with that. But I have been thinking lately how cathartic it was to use the blog to express how I was struggling with being away from Carter when I first went back to work (FYI, still struggling, but doing much better). It was incredibly wonderful to receive the posts, phone calls, e-mails and cards that our amazing family and friends extended as support to me during such a difficult time. I know that I owe you all a lot of credit for getting me through all of the tears that I shed that first week and half. So, thanks.



BUT...while I have been meaning to say thanks, I wrote that to say that I feel like blogging in the true "blog" sense versus just updating y'all on what is going on with us, is incredibly beneficial to my psyche. I love reading blogs that update me on my friends and their families, but I also really love reading those that help me see the world a little differently--those that sometimes just have a post from the heart of the author. Like The Farleys blog, which I originally saw because of a post on The McMasters blog, where a mother who lost one of her daughters to Trisomy 18 shares her struggles and questions to know and love God in her situation. (read her Oct. 20 post "Thoughts on Today"--this and all of her posts are very revealing about God's love for us and the relationship we have with HIM)



BUT...again, I digress. So, lately, I have really been thinking about being a mom. About how much I love it. About how much I love Carter. About how much I love Nick. About how I am a me that I never knew I could be. And about how I think that blogging about it might be a nice release for me. Well, Nick is out of town and Carter is asleep, which provides the perfect opportunity for me to list just a (VERY) few things that I love about being a mom:



1. Falling in love all over again: I remember falling in love with Nick. It was wonderful, amazing...wanting to spend all the time possible with him, learning as much as I could about him--big things and little things, uncovering all of his quirks and habits and being surprised to learn that that he wanted to know all those things about me. I am experiencing the same thing now with Carter--wanting to be with him, learning all about him, uncovering quirks and habits. Not to mention how much love I feel towards Nick when I watch the two of them together...

2. Being surprised and, yet, not at all surprised: when I run my hands through my hair to find it matted together by spit-up; when the first thing Carter does after a bath is spit up all over himself; when I am exhausted, but find the energy to hold and love on my little guy; when I realize that each day brings a new day for learning and loving this beautiful gift whom God has entrusted to us.

3. Learning more about God's love for me and my relationship with HIM: Max Lucado wrote the following in A Gentle Thunder:

"Moms, why do you love your newborn?...For months this baby has brought you pain...She occupied space that wasn't hers and ate food she didn't fix...She didn't even tell you she was coming. She just came...Your back aches. Your head pounds. Your body is drenched in sweat. Every muscle strained and stretched.

You should be angry, but are you?

Far from it. On your face is a for-longer-than-forever love. She has done nothing for you; yet you love her. She's brought pain to your body and nausea to your morning, yet you treasure her. Her face is wrinkled and her eyes are dim, yet all you cacn talk about are her good looks and bright future. She is going to wake you up every night for the next six weeks, but that doesn't matter. I can see it on your face. You're crazy about her.

Why?

Why does a mother love her newborn? Because the baby is hers? Even more. Because the baby is her. Her blood. Her flesh. Her sinew and spine. Her hope. Her legacy. It bothers her not that the baby gives nothing."

He goes on to draw the parallel with Christ's love for us. It is something that I theoretically understood when I read it. Now, however, I understand it in on tangible, almost a physical, level.

4. That NOTHING looks the same to me as it did before August 27th: Someone told me that motherhood changes you. True. But, really, motherhood changes EVERYTHING. Everything that I see, think, feel, say, want, etc, etc is now informed by this beautiful life that has changed my world. Like I said before, I am a me that I couldn't have imagined before Carter.



I am a me who knows and is thankful that being a mom is what God intended for me all along.