So, my strong performance on day one of daycare has not really been repeated since. I generally do okay in the mornings when I either drop him off or leave him at home with Nick to drop him off, but I fade quickly as the day goes by. Tuesday I had a mini-breakdown at work around lunchtime and a major breakdown on the phone with my friend, Deanna, that night. Yesterday, I had a full out crying episode at work and also last night. Who knew it would be so hard to be away from the little guy? It is so weird...even up until probably the weekend before, I was totally okay with everything. All of our married life, I had planned to be a working mom. I guess it is just different when it is reality. It isn't that I don't think it can be done, or even that I can do it; it is more that I just ache when I am away from him.
Some of my friends say that they have a hard time with daycare because it feels impersonal, the toys are ragged or "used" looking, etc. That isn't my issue at all. I know that when he is there he is happy and well cared for. My issue is that I just want to be with him. It is also funny how difficult it is for me to be passionate about things at work now. Somehow, those things just don't seem as important as they once were.
On the flip side, Carter seems to be doing incredibly well. His teacher told Nick that he is much more happy and less fussy than most of the babies they have during their first week. A friend that I work with (who has a son a week older than Carter, who will be in daycare with him) went by there yesterday and said Carter was on a play mat batting at the toys and talking--that he looked content and happy.
My friend, Christina, who has twins a few weeks older than Carter and also works, posted a comment to my last entry that said some days are better than others. I think that couldn't be more true. Today, I feel okay, at least for now. Who knows, by lunch time, I could be dissolved into a fit of tears. Hopefully not, but you never know. I find that I am also having a hard time because by the time I get home at night, I feel like there is so little time to do anything. Not to mention that the only thing I WANT to do is spend time with Carter.
I think that of all of this, the thing that makes me thank God the most is that I realize how precious a gift that Carter--and motherhood--is.
Some of my friends say that they have a hard time with daycare because it feels impersonal, the toys are ragged or "used" looking, etc. That isn't my issue at all. I know that when he is there he is happy and well cared for. My issue is that I just want to be with him. It is also funny how difficult it is for me to be passionate about things at work now. Somehow, those things just don't seem as important as they once were.
On the flip side, Carter seems to be doing incredibly well. His teacher told Nick that he is much more happy and less fussy than most of the babies they have during their first week. A friend that I work with (who has a son a week older than Carter, who will be in daycare with him) went by there yesterday and said Carter was on a play mat batting at the toys and talking--that he looked content and happy.
My friend, Christina, who has twins a few weeks older than Carter and also works, posted a comment to my last entry that said some days are better than others. I think that couldn't be more true. Today, I feel okay, at least for now. Who knows, by lunch time, I could be dissolved into a fit of tears. Hopefully not, but you never know. I find that I am also having a hard time because by the time I get home at night, I feel like there is so little time to do anything. Not to mention that the only thing I WANT to do is spend time with Carter.
I think that of all of this, the thing that makes me thank God the most is that I realize how precious a gift that Carter--and motherhood--is.
Getting Ready for Christmas!
8 comments:
I PROMISE it does get easier!!! Each day is a brand new day. Just hang in there and live for the weekends and vacation! It is amazing how much you priorities change and how things that once seemed so important...seem so trival now. If you need someone to "vent" to...call me! It hasn't been that long ago that I went through the same emotions. Miss you all and can't wait to see you in a few weeks!
Grace, it hurts me to know that you are going through this! I so wish there was something I could do. For now, know that I'm thinking of you and I'm looking forward to seeing you soon! Love you!
Sue, that just broke my heart. I hate this for you. I can not imagine how hard it must be and I am sorry. I know that I would have a hard time with going back to a job. BUT, I bet you make it through. I will pray it gets easier. That's a cute picture of him by the way.
Sue - I am only a couple weeks ahead of you and it is still a challenge. Hang in there, it's a new routine - and you know how new mom love routines!
Suey,
I hurt for you! I've been through it twice and it was torture both times. Your friend summed it up well when she said there would be good days and bad days. Avery is 3and I still have days where I just want to stay with her!
You are in my thoughts and I will say an extra prayer that you might have peace today! Love you!
Niff
Your little man is so precious!! I love him in his Christmas outfit. I'm sorry you're struggling being back at work. Isn't it amazing how much our perspective about EVERYTHING changes now that we have kids? I hope it continues getting easier and that Carter continues to adjust well and enjoy his days.
Sue - I am reading this while I am pumping at work. This is my first day not to go see Reese for lunch, and I did not realize how much I looked forward to spending that time with her everyday. I visited with Reagan until she was 6 months too, but I did not remember hurting for her like this.
As someone else said, some days are so much harder than others. Reagan is two and I still have days that I leave the day care in tears because I want to keep both my girls with me.
Try to appreciate the good things about being at work - like being able to go to the bathroom when you want to.
Sue - you're killing me! I got misty eyed just reading this! I hope things get easier for you, and I'm sure they will. I hope y'all are having a wonderful Christmas season, and I hope to talk to you soon!
p.s. I'm loving your blog and reading it all the time (even though I don't post comments that often).
Anna
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